5 years ago I collapsed. I learned that i had a tumor on my spine, and that odds are I was going to die, or be bed ridden from the neck down.
I don’t care to remember neither the pain nor the outcome. I really don’t. Actually I do care about the outcome, it’s the only reason I’m still here. It’s a blur. However, what i do remember was my thoughts as I was rushed into the E.R.
Its some things I thought were shameful to me. I had thoughts of regret. All the things I didn’t say and didn’t do was what hit me the most.
But whats more. I thought it was nice. Nice to be there. Nice to just relax. It’s weird saying that. I was being rushed into this white, emergency room laying on my back. I didn’t know better. All i knew was I was hurt or something, so I thought it was more like lets get bandaged up and then take a nap. But in reality, I was about to die. Nonetheless, I enjoyed my time. Just laying there: pondering. I couldn’t hear anything but my own thoughts.
I thought of my family. I thought of games. More importantly i thought of my well being.
It wasn’t lets get ripped and eat a bunch of vegetables, but more relating to my own happiness.
I realized that I felt most happy like that. Alone. In my own head. Only with myself. I know it sounds odd but that’s how I felt and that’s how I feel now.
I’ve learned to enjoy solitude. In my English class we have times of silence, they always come close to what I felt back in that time, but there’s always something lingering: grades, family, life.
Solitude makes me what I am now. So, I will always value true solitude.